The Descendentalist

​Those fall farthest who first fall up

Driddlet. n. a child trained to work, walk, or act in a feeble, unsteady, or uncertain manner; one subjected to incompetent or irregular social conditioning.


   It is up to the mothers to spank or thank as appropriate. Too

   much of one or the other will result in a driddlet, one

   exhibiting a patriotism erratically zealous or a treasonous

   disposition with pangs of jingoism. (B.F. Piaget)

Oblitics. n. The study of techniques for forgetting anything more easily.


   Ration out the tapwater of Lethe only to those 

   lacking in sufficient intelligence to follow the

   procedures and formulae of oblitics.

   (School of Unmindfulness)

Welkinship. n. One’s relation to the sky; the prospect of inheriting a successful afterlife.


   Respect all under the blue yonder,

   And thou a welkinship shall ponder.

   Disgrace any of thy erdevölker,

   And the next life thou'lt surely squander

   When killed in this one, foolish warrior.

   (​The Doggerel Edda)

Lachrymall. n. A place one goes to shop for sadness; a capitalist society; (figurative) the exact location a rich person remembers being at when he discovers he will always be a miserable wretch.


      "I'm trying to think...it was on the airplane...I'd purchased a first

   class ticket and taken my seat. I tried to recline...but the reclining

   mechanism was broken. I was forced to sit in the most

   uncomfortable upright position for the entire hour."

      "Let's distance ourselves from this lachrymall and go back to the

   subject of your mother. You say she often bent you over her knee

   as a child? Clearly, your epiphany was brought about by over-

   spanking." (Cases in Psychoanalysis)

Gourmandate. n. An authoritative order to eat and drink to excess; for Ignoramians, the eleventh commandment.


   ​Thou shalt not not bloat thyself. This is thy ​​gourmandate.

   (attributed to God, And His Breast Nourisheth: the

   Revealed Testimony of an Evangelical Fried Chicken

   Restaurant Chain Owner)

Hagsney.n. A vulgar word of endearment to old fishwives; the verbal process of lowering one’s standard of sophistication to gain experience; the sexual harassment of the menopausal.

Shine upon me skilled but scraggly
Such a one, won o’er by hagsney.
(Samuel Buttler)

Rhizidiocy. n. The root of ignorance and solipsism; the birth of idiocy; when God created Adam.


   Don't blame lawmakers in these dark ages

   For the cause of our half-literacy.

   Nor media, nor texts of bad sages.

   The answer's in a Better Book's pages:

   We were written for rhizidiocy.

   (Alexis Pope)

Yeomanners. n. The day-to-day etiquette of a gentleman farmer, consisting in an aloof politeness towards outsiders balanced by coarse boisterousness around conformists.

   Rural gentlemen should raise their children in

   accordance with the hostliness of yeomanners,

   urban ones with the stranger’s way of courtesy.

   (John Block)

Gewgawk.n. A children’s antique; an art toy to be played with in the imagination; an untouchable novelty item.

As children, when they another toy gain,
Shelve the last lovely gewgawk to disdain.
(Joan Dryden)

Amathodeity. adj. A god of dust; a human being.
 
   What am I, t’be so full of gaiety?
   Half god, half dust—amathodeity.
   (Lord Byron)

Uligington. n. City in the marshes; a city of rot and ruin; Washington D.C.


   That Uligington was built on a swamp does not

   begin to explain its present-day quagmire.

   (The New York Times)

Escárgatière. n. A cemetery of snails.

   No respectable gourmand would eat these snails. 

   Throw them into the escárgatière and let the brunch

   crowd excavate them. (Talleyrand to Carême)

Imployee. n. An imploded employee; a laborer driven to madness or suicide by long hours, low pay, and rude customers. Contrasted with exployee, a disgruntled ex-employee who blows up his office.


   To help reduce the rate of imployees, workers will no longer be given

   breaks. Breaks open a window to neurotic self-absorption. This 

   committee finds it is best to keep workers working, allowing no time

   for the intrusion of thought. (Bill of Employment, Fourth Amendment)

Xenolysis. n. The process of blending one’s own culture with foreign ones in a harmonious melting pot of traditions; The dissolution of ethnic groups into non-identity.


   The negative freedom brought by lack of oppression, combined with

   the positive freedom of a pluralistic range of lifestyles, results in the

   neutral freedom of cultural warfare. Each social group, with its

   incompatible ethical ontology, accuses other social groups of

   xenolysis—of encroaching upon its traditions and attempting to

   dissolve its values into theirs. (Josiah Berlin)

Ambrose Johnson—scrofulatic misanthrope, swollen grammarian, and self-professed "lexicon artist"—compiled these specimens of alienacular (a vocabulary foreign to any known language user) near the end of his life, then crossed the border into Canada and was never seen again. He was convinced that the obscure and learned words in his predictionary would one day become part of the standard vocabulary of sages and jesters, paving the way for a more complete development of lexical absurdities by fringe scholars. His dream has not yet come to pass.                                     

Irenickel. n. Universal coinage minted by a government that has brought about world peace; the currency of hopes, dreams, and unrealities.


​   We will finance our wars of belated friendship with

   irenickel. (United Nations Manifesto)

Minerviform. adj. Like the Roman goddess Minerva; possessing wisdom and artistry; to appear indistinguishable from a homeless person.


   Vagabond or versifier? Forlorn or for-lore? Sage? Master?

   Plagued by Disaster? Amongst the minerviform variety of

   humankind, loftiness goes hand-in-hand with lack of

   status. (Annual Homeless Assessment Report)

Numquam legomenon. n. A word with no recorded uses.

   While many of the words in this predictionary are technically

   hapax legomena, it is likely that, if not seen by a lexicographer of

   influence, they will be remembered as numquam legomena—that

   is, they will not be remembered at all. (Ambrose Johnson)

Zetetacrasia. n. Incontinence or lack of control in proceeding by inquiry; the Socratic disease.


   These philosophers cannot control themselves. They are

   always questioning, questioning, questioning. Their curiosity far

   exceeds the bounds of a loyal servant. This sickness we may

   call, zetetacrasia*. It must be stamped out. (Emperor Qin)


   *translated from the Chinese by way of Greek


Villainage. n. A rural community of criminals and scoundrels; the penal colony as socialist utopia, where ownership is dissolved by universal robbery.

Without a population of virtuous weaklings to prey upon, a villainage finds outlets for its crowded codes of honor in shark industries: moonshine mills, livestock trafficking, planting bankjobs for cash crops, money clotheslining. It is an organic village where delinquency and corruption are not usurped by the need for cooperationist survival, but thrive with it. (Bumford, The Village in History

Visehustings. n. A platform, doubling as a torture device, on which a politician is held in a standing position as he confesses his corruption, and is subsequently broken to louder applause than was ever heard on his campaign trail.


   This year, the visehustings will be erected before election

   day. The candidate selected will be mourned as a true

   statesman. (The Washington Post)

Kenploy. v. To employ job candidates solely based upon the amount of useless knowledge they possess. A practice not currently in use among humanities graduates.


   We've received a lot of resumes from English majors. When

   you interview them, focus on Restoration-era drama. Kenploy

   only the most specialized. Those who can't list at least five 

   facts about Aphra Behn aren't fit to pour at our establishment.

   (Owner, Pacific Coffee Roasters)

Armerity. n. Grasping at too many ideas or tasks at once; an overtaxing of mental or physical agility; the fate of a philosophical encyclopedist.

   When, in confidence, the mind is quickened,
   The organs though active and live to touch,
   ‘Merge out their new canal, and move as old
   With gasping huff and stale armerity.

   (Shakespeare)

Fóppoodle. n. A dog incapable of being taught tricks by a master whose intelligence it exceeds.

   Blind fopdoodles are seldom seen
   Walking without foppoodles lean:
   Floating in ponds, lying in streets,
   Stumbling through a country of wheat,
   Tripping in ditches, trapped in sheds,
   Wherever they consent be led.
   (Samuel Buttler)​

Janucor. n. The door to the heart; the key to manipulating someone.


​   When you have reached the janucor, do not enter,

   but rather remain on the welcome mat to guide

   others in confidence. (The Hustling Bodhisattva)


Polygammer. n. A person married to more than one old British woman at a time.


   This practice of the polygammers must come to an

   end. There are too few widowers to collect

   retirement pensions, and too many young people

   paying taxes. (Bishop of Internal Revenue)

Screanaff. n. A landed sea bird.


   “Mew!” . . . “Squawk!” . . . “Scream!” . . . Naff.

​   (Audubon, Bird Sounds)

Nyctisection. v. Partitioning darkness for purposes of undertstanding; performing analytical surgery upon the Void.

   Nyctisection is one of the chief practices of unlightenment. A

   monist entity must be divided up; one’s relationship to

   darkness must be segmented so that one knows what aspect

   of darkness one is most inclined towards. Only after opening

   many doors to Nowhere can one feel the midnight draft, 

   enduring breathing exercises with a lung of winter. 

   (Exiled Mayahanist)

Bonhomicide. n. The deliberate murder of a person possessing frank and simple good-heartedness; the gradual removal of improper dispositions from the world, one temperament at a time.


      "There is too much bonhomie in modern society. That's why I did it, 

   Watson. To make it harder for the villains to stage their schemes."

      "Bonhomicide is still wrong, Holmes, however pure your motives."

   (Conan Doyle, The Final Case)


Punchaw. n. A large bowl of liquor ruined by a splash of fruit juice.


   Some singing, a few long-legged maidens,
   and a right big punchaw, tell William produce.
   (2 Henry IV)

Kend. n. The end of knowledge.

   Our kend is imminent. The library shelves will crumble,

   the databases melt, and our re-primitivized brains won't

   know the difference between this and that. And after our

   demonstratives go, the rest of grammar will follow.

   (Mr. Kensington, Apocalinguistics)

Cricket. n. A morbid type of sport played by insects. E.g., playing dead, eating one’s mate. A favorite pastime of the declining aristocracy.


   After all have had their mirth
   Pluck with cricket him of girth!
   (Milton, “Il Nobilità”)

Frigaesticity. n. The feeling of the cold wind in summer.


   Up North, the frigaesticity eats away at you until

   you can't take it. As for the South...I've heard of

   cases that would chill a person to the bone.

   (Journal of the Unknown Explorer)

Trilliennial. adj. occurring once every trillion years.
n. God’s celebration of a new creation, in which those previously or already existing are not invited.

Thou wilt not partake in that trilliennial joy. (John, Revolutions)

Quoblibetarian. n. One who talks or dusputes on the subjects of throbbing hearts and reflexive embryos; a discourser on love and life; a loquacious libertine.


   Quoblibetarians have but two points of conversation:

   women and children. The first they discuss from

   desire, the second avoidance. (Castiglione, Book of

   the Sportier)

Billingsfete. n. The ribaldry and foul language of the upper classes; debutante debauchery.

 

   The billingsfete of young ladies today is shocking.

   Everywhere I see daughters who, upon their first

   entrance into high society, are not curtsying   

   graciously enough, not saying "Excuse me" after

   ordering soda pop, even placing their elbows on the

   dinner table. (Dame Decorum)